Counseling

I guess I need it.   I was urged by my sister to seek grief counseling.  She attributes my hardship to losing my aunt.  I think there may be something to it.  Or it may be something else, who knows.

This last week I have felt sad inside, I don’t know why.  And I haven’t been able to cry.  Like there is a weird detachment inside between the feeling of sad and the expression of sad.

Today at counseling I cried.  I started talking about the potential split with my husband and I cried.  I know my life would be easier if I only had to support myself and only deal with my own responsibilities.  But the thought of splitting up makes me sad.  Not the division of property.  But the thought that I would be losing something I have been a part of for so long.  For all the good times.

I called my husband after the session to tell him that I actually cried.  I told him what we were discussing.  I also told him that lately I haven’t been able to cry.  And his response just turned my emotion switch right off.

“What are you sad about?”
I don’t know what is making me feel sad.
“You are never home.  I hardly see you and you never see Andy.”

Well so much for sharing my therapy and the fact that I actually cried.  I cried at the prospect of not being married.

I suppose he feels that I should have nothing to be sad about.  He is the one hurting so why would I be the one crying, right?  Is it that hard to think that maybe we are both hurting in our own way?  I know I am the one that has done some fucked up shit.  I know I hurt my husband.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t have hurt too.  Maybe my hurt is just selfish.  Maybe becoming as resentful as I have hurts.  Maybe the thought that I am sabotaging my own marriage hurts.  Maybe knowing that if the stressor of Andy is removed, things won’t change between my husband and I is causing me hurt.  Maybe I am hurt because at round 2 of trying to have a successful marriage I am failing.  And I am not a loser!  Maybe losing is what hurts.  Maybe knowing that I am not part of the population that should wed hurts.

Ultimately I think I hurt because I feel removed from wanting to feel human but want to carry on the facade of being one.  I don’t know why exactly but I need to reconsider my therapy time cause coming back to work with tears in my eyes is sure to raise suspicion.

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