I guess I need it. I was urged by my sister to seek grief counseling. She attributes my hardship to losing my aunt. I think there may be something to it. Or it may be something else, who knows.
This last week I have felt sad inside, I don’t know why. And I haven’t been able to cry. Like there is a weird detachment inside between the feeling of sad and the expression of sad.
Today at counseling I cried. I started talking about the potential split with my husband and I cried. I know my life would be easier if I only had to support myself and only deal with my own responsibilities. But the thought of splitting up makes me sad. Not the division of property. But the thought that I would be losing something I have been a part of for so long. For all the good times.
I called my husband after the session to tell him that I actually cried. I told him what we were discussing. I also told him that lately I haven’t been able to cry. And his response just turned my emotion switch right off.
“What are you sad about?”
I don’t know what is making me feel sad.
“You are never home. I hardly see you and you never see Andy.”
Well so much for sharing my therapy and the fact that I actually cried. I cried at the prospect of not being married.
I suppose he feels that I should have nothing to be sad about. He is the one hurting so why would I be the one crying, right? Is it that hard to think that maybe we are both hurting in our own way? I know I am the one that has done some fucked up shit. I know I hurt my husband.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t have hurt too. Maybe my hurt is just selfish. Maybe becoming as resentful as I have hurts. Maybe the thought that I am sabotaging my own marriage hurts. Maybe knowing that if the stressor of Andy is removed, things won’t change between my husband and I is causing me hurt. Maybe I am hurt because at round 2 of trying to have a successful marriage I am failing. And I am not a loser! Maybe losing is what hurts. Maybe knowing that I am not part of the population that should wed hurts.
Ultimately I think I hurt because I feel removed from wanting to feel human but want to carry on the facade of being one. I don’t know why exactly but I need to reconsider my therapy time cause coming back to work with tears in my eyes is sure to raise suspicion.