Finally

I started taking the Trazodone 2 weeks ago.  Much later than I should have.  Weighing in right now, the doc said it could take anywhere from 2 weeks to a month to feel them working.

I can tell my quality of sleep has improved.  I was supposed to stop drinking while taking the meds.  And I have fudged twice on that.  The first time I had 2 beers, the second time… well I lost count.  It was a few beers and shots.

I assumed some of my behaviors were due to depression.  I read that certain behaviors can be attributed to depression.

If anything the meds are assisting me in not feeling as volatile regarding my situation.  On the other hand, I think they are also helping me not stress out about things I probably should worry about.

Maybe the meds are working, maybe I truly am a beast of a human.  Maybe I am an uncaring jerk.  I don’t feel as torn.  I don’t feel guilty.  I don’t feel bad.

The last time I took antidepressants, I didn’t feel at all.  I am feeling right now.  Though I wouldn’t call my feelings positive, they are definitely not unbearable and crushing.

I have a feeling of freedom I have not felt in a long time.  There is a little demon living inside of me, taunting me, encouraging bad behaviors.  That little monster doesn’t scare me right now.

I am worried that I should be afraid but I am not.  I am a little worried that I can look within, see my demon and smile back at it.  It’s quite the devilish grin that is smiling back at the demon inside.

I probably should be scared.

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