Depersonalization

This can’t possibly be my life can it?

It is, it is.

Sometimes when it rains it pours.  And though I have a few positive things to blog about there has been a whole bunch of crap happening lately.

My German exchange student returned to his home country.  I got to meet his parents.  They were really cool people and even offered to host Andy when he is older.  If, Andy desires to visit Germany as a guest in Justus’ home I will have to say no.  What little improvements Andy displays, only remain while under my militant guidance.  More on that later.

Over the summer I had to chance to host 2 girls, one from Austria and one from Italy.  They were truly great, smart and funny.  Both Joey and I really enjoyed hosting them while Andy was away for a month.  More on that Andy later.  Both of the girls have invited us to their respective countries to show us around.  I would love to do it, but it seems like it may have to wait a bit.

My mom is planning on retiring next summer and she really wants to visit Hawaii again.  After losing my aunt so quickly to cancer, I am prepared to put my travel desires on the back burner.  I will help my mom get to any place she wants to go while she still has her good health.

As you can see there have been highlights over the summer.  Hell, I went to Disneyland and got a hug from Chewbacca!  I went to Magic Mountain and gave myself whiplash, all with a smile in 100+ degree weather, while the hills of California were on fire.  But for the most part I feel like if I was not the driver of my body.  I was there for the ride but I am not the driver.  Like that weird John Malkovich movie.

The shitty parts, well for starters the podiatrist put me on a month log running hiatus.  My run times had been improving and then I was told to stop.  I guess having a high pain tolerance can do bad things when you can’t tell your body is hurt.  Bad case of plantar fascists; had to do some physical therapy and a cortisone treatment.  The one thing I turn to when I feel shitty is the one thing I was told not to do.

Andy went to visit his grandmother for a month, which sounded like a great idea at the time.  Grandma was going to take him to a few museums and such.  Well, it was all a lie; a facade to have Andy live with his mother for a month.  In that one month the hard work of 3 years was destroyed.

We planned a secret trip to Disneyland for Andy, he hated it.  And it was also disclosed to him prior, by his grandmother, so it turned out not to be such a surprise.  Not only did he revert back to his old ways, his mother or grandmother didn’t do shit with him.  He basically sat around in her house not showering, brushing his teeth or adhering to any sleep schedule.

I got the taste of child-free life again and I loved it.  I knew Andy would be back and life would go back to normal and that I was prepared for.  What I was not prepared for was rudeness, foul-behavior, poor hygiene and ingratitude to the nth degree.  Even to my nephew!  My nephew is the same age as Andy and they were playmates.  So I brought him to keep Andy company to Disneyland.  He was awful to my nephew.

I don’t care what anyone thinks but I truly feel hate, desperation and I want my old life back.  I know I can be a selfish person, I know I can walk away from all of this.  But that will only teach Andy that it is okay to run from a bad situation.  It would be unfair to Joey because as a couple we made a pact to work through life’s hardships.  I really don’t want to be on this life ride right now but I have no choice.  So I feel like I am watching this depressing, sinking ship with no way to steer the damn thing.

I am really looking forward to running again.  I can’t wait for ceramics to start back up.  But I know that is only my defense against being at home around something that truly makes me unhappy.  Andy wants to live with his mother and she says she wants him to live with her too.  But we all know it is just lip service so her son is made to feel like WE are keeping them apart.  Joey and I are the “bad guy” in all of this even though we are trying really hard to do the right thing.

Some days I just want to cry and when Joey asks what’s wrong, I don’t have the nerve to tell him anymore.  I just make something up:  headache, missing my aunt, catching a cold.  I know he doesn’t want to hear me say I am upset because of the life I am living right now.  He knows it.  He is upset.  During the month Andy was gone Joey didn’t wake up screaming with night terrors.  The first night back with Andy, the night terrors came back.  He screams in his sleep at night.

I just don’t feel like myself anymore.  I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize who is looking back at me anymore?  Who is this tired, sad woman looking back at me?  I don’t see the me I saw a few years ago.  I feel like a robot just going through daily motions, it’s awful.  What’s even worse is at the back of my mind, I hope Andy thinks we are so vile from keeping him and his mother apart that he will run away.  Then he can go be with his mother and I can have my life back.  But another niggling thought in there is also telling me that if he does run away, his mother will just send him back.  Or worse he will realize that it is his mother not wanting him and not US keeping them apart.  Then what?!

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4 thoughts on “Depersonalization

    • Yeah I was venting more than anything.
      But yea, foot is better. Had my first post injury run Tuesday, going out tonight.
      And next week pottery class starts again.

  1. I had plantar fasciitis 4 years ago; just ran through it. Took several months for it to go away…

    We know others define us by our actions, so if we break a promise, people label us promise-breakers, liars, cowards, weaklings, etc… Then we have to decide if we can live with that. You can’t help but wonder, though, how much will we congratulate ourselves on being promise-keepers and sacrificing our own happiness on our death beds? I mean, if our entanglements with others makes us victims of all of those people’s bad choices, manipulations, etc,… wouldn’t we be justified in disentangling ourselves from those entanglements? If others take no responsibility for making us happy, that means it’s our responsibility, doesn’t it?

    This is in no way encouraging a certain course of action, just an honest inquiry toward the self.

    • All thoughts I have pondered. I have the rest of my life, Andy has 5 years before having to fend for himself in this world. I think I can hack it, but I do feel a little out of sorts. Luckily running is back on track, ceramics started back up and a much needed camping trip to NorCal patched up some of the cracks. Just gotta keep it together a while longer, some days are harder than others. And I value my sanity, health and happiness so I have thought a few times of raising the little white flag. I wouldn’t wish surprise step-parenting on anyone (maybe not even planned).

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