Apathy

In 3 days it will be the 3 month anniversary of my aunt’s passing.  I previously mentioned that we all deal with things a little differently.  I have not step foot in the gym or gone running since she passed.  I’ve also gained 8 pounds, lost muscle mass and have been eating poorly.

I find comfort in my bedroom.  No, not sleeping.  Not crying.  Not wallowing in self-pity.  Or maybe it is self-pity.  Or it’s just my way of having my emotions catch up with my logic.

My aunt passed and I accepted it because it was time.  She was very ill and her body gave out on her.  I was sad to see her go but glad not to see her suffer anymore.  But somewhere inside I guess part of me still needed to do whatever it is people do after the death of a loved one.

It just so happened my thing was to sit in pyjamas when not involved with work duties and social obligations.  I would either read, craft or watch movies.  All from the comfort of my own little cave.  Away from people.

Yesterday was my first day back at the gym and my first day running.  Well it was more like walk 1 minute, run 2, for half an hour.  Better than nothing I guess.  I am sore today.  I have become a soggy lady during my grieving.

I still don’t want to be around people but I don’t feel it necessary to sit in my room all day.  I did come to realize that my cave started to feel quite oppressive and cramped.  So I have taken on the task to “clean my room”.  I don’t mean: dust, vacuum and change sheets.  I mean eliminate clutter.  I haven’t quite made it to the closet and I already have 6 medium sized boxes of stuff to get rid of.

In the last few weeks I have also found my pottery mojo.  I was making stuff, but not much and I didn’t feel the want to do anything with clay.  But I have found my way and have started to produce again.  I should probably slow down as the kiln won’t be fired for another 2 weeks.  I am going to end up bringing 6 more boxes home of stuff before I get done cleaning my room!

I still don’t quite feel “myself” and I might not bounce back to who I was.  I feel that this event has matured me, a little.  Thinking of death, the older generation quickly approaching their end of life and watching my family all handle death differently has changed my outlook on life.  It has helped in rearranging my priorities some what.  It is helping me not just tidy up my room and closet but also my life.

It’s time to get back into my health regimen and leave the pyjama days for when I have to suffer illness.  Or when I am far too old to do much other than sit in pyjamas.  I have wasted 3 whole months of my life shrinking into the shadows instead of doing what my aunt said:  Don’t change your plans.  Just keep living and stick to your plans.

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4 thoughts on “Apathy

  1. You are so true about people dealing with death in different ways. The last one I had was my gramps in 2013 and I didn’t feel the least bit sad since the old man didn’t feel that pain anymore. Hope you are doing better soon.

    Glad to see you exercising again. I need to hit the trails again myself…

    • Thanks, it’s gonna be a slow go of it all but I hope to at lest get my physical health back on track and I am sure my mind will follow. I find myself in my own head far more often than is probably healthy. Now get back to the trails! Air and walking is good for you. Not to mention it’s started looking a bit green outside finally.

  2. The three months of relative isolation may not have been just what you needed, but it was probably necessary to some degree. Welcome back to the land of the living dead.

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