2 months

Since my last post here; two whole months.  And yesterday was exactly a month since I lost my aunt.  If you didn’t read about it already or I didn’t mention it, now you know.  Fair warning this is going to be a long winded post.  I mean, I am 2 months due for posts right?

Cancer weakened her.  Complications of pneumonia is what claimed her in her sleep.

This whole ordeal has made me uneasy with certain family members.  Death does funny things to me, makes me want to punch people.  Those people usually being family members.

When my grandmother passed I slugged my, still breastfeeding sister.  She was not being breastfed, to clarify she had just had her 4th child and was feeding it.

I always blamed her for the decline in my grandmother’s health leading up to her death.  But over the years I have come to realize that my grandmother had lived far beyond what any doctor had ever thought she would.

She walked after her stroke when she was told she would live out the rest of her short days in a wheelchair.  We are fighters I suppose.  She lived on for two decades and walked!

These days I am pissed off at my sister.  Not the one mentioned above… a different one.  I shall refer to her as my tactless sister.  When my grandmother died, she was quite tactless with the whole situation.

When my aunt passed I was pleased that my phone call to come home was much kinder than the one I got when my grandmother passed.  However, as information came to me, I became more and more angry.

I’m still fucking pissed.  But, with age, the spice I once had is something I can control now.  And by control I mean internalize and by internalize I feel like I have been in a figure 4 headlock for about a month.  My shoulders fucking hurt and the back of my neck feels like it will break if I lift my eyes to the sky.

Honestly I should just punch someone and get it over with.

I have so many reasons but I will delude myself with the thought that everyone deals with family stress, illness and death differently.  Then again some people are just fuck all selfish!

  1. Once my aunt became bedridden and unable to do things around my sister’s house, my sister urged her to move back to her own home.  I don’t know if I mentioned this but for my aunt’s delicate condition she moved in with my sister.  She owns a home and lives alone.  A perfect place for someone with low immunity that is ill and needs rest.  However, my sister used her as a maid.  To cook and clean for her!  And when she was of no use suggested she go back home.
  2. During this time my sister said she was considering moving out of the area and if I would be interested in renting her house.  I asked about my aunt and she said she was going back home.  I didn’t know my sister sent her back home.  I advised my sister that it was probably best for my aunt to stay where she was until she “got better”.  We both knew she wasn’t getting better but it was a good place for her to be.
  3. The night my aunt passed, my uncle wanted to stay with my aunt.  When he was around she felt comfortable and rested easier.  My aunt and uncle never married and have grown up together and lived in the same home since they were children.  Why tear siblings apart especially during their times of need?  Because my sister needs her privacy and wants to walk around HER house in her underwear!
  4. That night she heard my aunt praying.  She never thought to get out of bed and join her in prayer (my family is religious… I am not but I would have gone to her side).  I jump out of bed when I hear my family in distress to find out if there is anything I can do to help.  The mister has terrible dreams since his assault, I always try to comfort him.  My aunt was praying, alone and ill…. she could have used some comfort.  The kind she gave us all when we were sick as kids.  She was the one that stayed up late with us when we were sick.  A little reciprocation is too much to ask for I guess.

The laundry list goes on but I am going to stop.  Before I paint her as a total villain, I know there are two sides to the story.  Maybe her behavior was her way of handling things.  I just see it as a little selfish.

What really shits me is the ocean of sympathy cards my sister got telling her kind and gracious she was for taking care of my aunt.  She did nothing of the sort.  She provided a bed and roof over her head but she used her as her personal maid.  And even when my aunt had become to sick to do the house chores, my uncle stepped in to do them.  No once did my sister actually help.  She made it seem like such a burden to her to have her after she was of no use to her!

I am not known for biting my tongue but I am trying not to relive a mistake twice with two sisters.  It has taken until a few years ago to even get back to speaking terms with my sister that I struck after grandma died.  I don’t need that type of repeat incident happening.  But I do need to find a release… something to unwind.




2 thoughts on “2 months

    • I had a week to dog/house-sit for a co-worker. That alone time did wonders for me. Instead of firing off like a loose canon, I fizzled out like a safe-and-sane 4th of July sparkler.

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