It may not have been suddenly that I just kept running.
But I have just been running for a while now.
I had the best run I have had in…. probably forever.
It’s the farthest run, but not the first time I have taken this long route.
Once when I was in my teens, angst driven, unafraid and amidst familial turmoil. Back then I walked off from Guadalupe in the direction of Santa Maria. Tears streaming, voice hoarse from shouting into the dark void of night. About a mile from Santa Maria, I knew (or rather felt) my mother would take the long road into town to search for me. So I deviated into broccoli fields. Broccoli fields that had been already tilled and soggy with the good ole rains that used to grace the Central Coast. Muddy fields that stole my left shoe, suede Vans with an Asian inspired pattern. One solid yank, my foot was free but not before I could salvage my shoe from the encapsulating mud. For some reason it felt like that moment won. That moment summed up how life was and was going to continue to be for me, my whole life. Silly little girl, silly naive little girl. If only she had known that life has much more to offer in terms of trials and tribulations than her precious Vans lost in the mud.
I sat down in the middle of that tilled row into a muddy pile of molding broccoli; to cry. To cry for me, to cry because, just to cry because I had lost all energy to be upset. I had begun to feel sorry for myself and acquiesced. I did try to pry my shoe out of the mud. Not because I valued the shoe. I just realized what a fool I was. I realized I was in the middle of a field, missing a shoe, missing protection. I walked a mile and a half without a shoe, eventually losing my sock to the muddy mess; to a pay phone. I called home; I told my mother where I was. No scolding, no anger, just a silent ride home where I crawled into bed, defeated, dirty and ashamed for acting as I had.
It’s funny to think back at the stupid things I did and the idiot things that mattered to me then.
Today was a beautiful crisp morning filled with thoughts, release, enlightenment and a yearning. A yearning for more, long, lonely time. I am worn the fuck out. I am tired. My life feels like a movie that I am watching but in the middle of; but have not enough control to make it worth watching.
My husband just left with his son to see an ex girlfriend. And I am not jealous, I can’t even say I am concerned. That time has passed… maybe a year ago I would have cared. Maybe a year ago I would have objected even? Probably not. He lives in a time that I was not a part of or care to be a part of. And I live in a separate time, but we have similar somethings that keep us attached. I don’t live in the past, I live inside my head. I don’t really know what’s worse. I would like to tell myself that my own reality is far better than living in the past. But we all want to believe we are far better than we really are don’t we?
After a glorious run to my grandmother’s house, I ate crepes. Crepes that my mother cooked, that she has vowed never to cook again, as of the last time; two times ago. She wants to pass on the torch and I am not sure what else she said because as I sat there, hearing, I wasn’t listening. I just was simply not there. I can honestly say I lost about an hour of conversation to nods and smiles that I was not really in control of. Yeah, I am sure reading this it sounds like I am mentally falling apart but I will have to say, no. I am sure there are people, day in and day out, that feel like I do too. Or walk around wearing the suit of a person but not in control of that suit, even if it is theirs.
I have reached an impasse. I want the auto-pilot to take over so I may find solace inside; so I may smile and nod but live in my mind. I also want to live outwardly; where the rest of the world pretends to live. I want to walk among the foreigners.
Well, they’re back. I suppose I should plaster my smile and nod face on again. My dog seems a tad worried but I think it’s because I am failing to let him have human food which he is not allowed.
In other related news, in another couple weeks, I will be running misanthropic half-marathons before moving on to longer runs. I really feel like I may have to segue into ultra marathon running; just to enjoy my own private Idaho.